I have a number of children ranging from 7 – 17yrs who I have the privilege to be working with at the moment. All have their own problems, but in most cases the problems come with increased anxiety levels.  I always like to include parents in sessions and I know that it helps if the parent understands why we are doing what wed do. So I spend time explaining how the brain works and how we can look to help their child to overcome their problem.

As parents it’s often hard to know whether what we are doing is right. There rarely appears to be enough time for everything and life can often pass us by without us even noticing.

If this is how we feel then it’s highly likely that our children feel it too. And this isn’t good for any of us.

I hope that by taking some time to understand our brain and looking at why we feel the way that we do will help to enable us to learn what we can do to stay happy and perform to at our best.

It’s true that a little pressure can help us to focus on revision, public speaking, and sporting activities but when pressure becomes too much it can quickly turn into stress, and prolonged periods of stress can lead to physical and mental illness.

It’s important to understand that anxiety isn’t a case of ‘won’t’; it’s a case of ‘can’t’. It’s anxiety. It’s a physiological response from a brain that thinks there’s danger. Whether the danger is real or not is irrelevant. Many kids with anxiety would know somewhere inside them that there is nothing to worry about, but they’re being driven by a brain that thinks there’s a threat and acts as though it’s true.

I hope that by explaining to our children how anxiety works will demystify what they’re going through and take away some of the punch. It’s powerful.

Pressure can come from many things:

• Change and the unknown
• Your child’s comparison of themselves with others
• The high goals they set themselves
• Their worry about disappointing you or other family members, friends and teachers
• Maybe the lack of knowing why they are doing what they think is expected of them.
• Medical conditions

In most instances we will never know the root cause but we do know that it stems from the way that they chose to think about themselves and their circumstances.

As a parent we need to know what to look for. In an ideal world we can prevent inappropriate stress from occurring but if we can’t do that, the next best thing is to notice, control, and stop the downward spiral from taking hold.

You know your child better than anyone so trust your instincts but here are a few signs that you child may be feeling anxious:

• A healthy child suddenly gets chronic stomachaches or has trouble sleeping.
• Bad headaches but only on school days.
• Eagerly goes off to school each day but begs to stay home on what you later learn was a test day.
• Worrying often that things will go wrong
• Ruminating
• Avoiding group activities or meeting new people
• Fearing minor changes in routine
• Being rigid and perfectionistic
• Using obsessive behaviors to manage anxiety
• Over-sensitivity to teacher criticism
• Mind “goes blank” when called on in class
• Not wanting to do anything

“Experts aren’t sure why more kids than ever have anxiety disorders, though genetics and environment both have roles. One sure factor: Today’s kids have more to cope with (from the college chase to social media) at the same time they have fewer release valves (like downtime, nature, and practice developing coping skills). As busy school days amp up, there’s even more stress and fewer outlets for it.”

Interestingly:

An anxious kid tends to be well-behaved, meticulous, cares about school, follows rules, and wants to please people,” – Brendan Pratt PhD

With a little understanding and the right support, an anxious child can learn to harness this tendency in ways that provide power, not damage. The feeling of exhilaration once they have overcome their fear is well worth focusing on. This too can be recognized and enjoyed and highlighted.

My Mum used to say

“The best feelings come from taking yourself out of your comfort zone”

Bonus: Children with anxiety tend to be extremely compliant and respond well to help.

Here are few things that you can try to help your child to take control and calm their mind: 

Act the way you want your child to act.

Stress is a learned behavior. Much as we have learned it we can unlearn it too.

If you work day and night, never take vacations, never exercise, and deal with stress in less-than-healthy ways (overeating, drinking, binge-watching TV), guess what your child will see as normal and necessary? Now picture the message your kid gets if you still work hard, yet occasionally say things like, “Okay, this thing isn’t worth my best effort” or “My family holiday is more important than this sudden deadline.”

Recognise it

It might sound obvious, but if you are concerned that your child is being adversely affected by their exams, then talk to them. Acknowledge their problem and see if they can help you to solve it. They might be able to tell you a way in which you can help them, perhaps by reducing their chores, or finding them a quieter place to study, or simply letting them know that you love them no matter what results they achieve.

Tell yourself it’s ok

This is going to be a stressful time for the whole family. With your child on edge, they may be more prone to outbursts of anger and frustration. This is where the understanding of what is happening in their brain is key. Bite your tongue, breathe deeply and understand that the stress of the situation is hijacking their own ability to behave rationally. Encourage other family members to do the same. Don’t allow each other to take you into your primitive emotional brain.

Breathe

Suggest that your child takes five minutes at the beginning of each study period to sit quietly and focus on their breathing. Breathe deeply down into the tummy for a count of seven, then exhale a little slower for a count of 11. This will focus the mind on the present moment, not the fear of future exams. This tricks the mind into feeling calm, which is a much more productive state for learning to take place. Finish a revision session with the same technique. Use this technique at bedtime or any other time when the worry starts to take over. Breathing is key in taking back the control. Much as the anxiety can become a learned experience so we can teach our brain to relax again through breathing slowly. The more you practice!!

Do what you enjoy, often

Just because you have exams or change in the near future shouldn’t mean that the things that you and your child enjoy should be stopped. In fact, doing more of what you enjoy is an important part of coping. If you can’t partake in an activity then take some time to really remember the last time that you did it. Close your eyes and really put yourself there. Noticing sounds, smells, people, colours etc. Make it real in your mind. Remember, your brain doesn’t know the difference.

Get really active

This is a subject in it’s self, but we now know that exercise is a fabulous way to manage stress and anxiety. 20 mins of breathless exercise really does help to calm and relax. Try it!

Sleep -CD

A good night’s sleep holds the key to our ability to be happy. Memories are formed (great to know when studying) and emotions of the day processed and eradicated whilst we sleep. However, if like me, you tell your child how important sleep is you can create another problem. My daughter started to focus on the fact that she couldn’t sleep and that as a consequence she wouldn’t be getting enough sleep and then we had a problem on top of the problem!

So what did we do?

She upped her exercise, listened to my CD as she went to sleep and sometimes read a book. Anything to take her mind away from the sleep. In time, it re adjusted and she broke the negative cycle.

Eat well

The brain consumes about 25% of our calories when at rest, so it’s important to keep it fed with healthy, nutritious food. If stress is putting your child off their meals, offer them healthy snacks and water to keep them hydrated and nourished. Even mild dehydration can impair cognitive functioning.

Feel empowered

When they’re caught up in the pressure of getting good results, it’s hard for children to see the bigger picture. Failing their exams does not mean they will fail at life. No matter what the results, life will provide them with opportunities to succeed. Don’t forget, Richard Branson dropped out of school at 16!

Stick together

Remind your children that they are not in competition with others and that if they stick together and share their problems they often don’t seem so large. “A problem shared is a problem halved”

Focus on the positives- learning to read, write, dance etc

Encourage them daily, let them know that they are OK and that they are and always will be loved. Take time to focus on the good things in their lives daily. What have they learned so far that they now take for granted; walking, talking reading etc

Really think about what he/she is good at, so you can truly show you value those traits and skills. Is your child great at patience or compassion? Funny? A persistent problem solver or a loyal friend? Talented at dancing or cooking or drawing? Support this fuller picture of your child by the things you say and do.

I sincerely hope that you will find something that will be useful to you and your family. Life holds many unknowns for us but it’s sometimes good to remember to focus on what we are doing now and draw ourselves away from negatively forecasting future events. They may never happen!!!

If you have any questions or would like some help please do not hesitate to contact me. holly@hollystonehypnotherapy.co.uk