I’ve written before openly about our battles with eating disorders and I naively wrote that we had won!
Well, we haven’t! But we are!
Our experience is certainly not unique and I hope that by sharing I may be able to offer hope and understanding to those affected by such a dominating illness. Since my last post so much has happened; F has regained weight (apparently now a healthy weight) but how can it be healthy when her periods have still not returned? We were discussing this this morning and recognising how it can be so disheartening to work so hard to regain a “healthy weight’ only to realise that you still have to keep going. I can not put into words how very proud I am of her determination and will to fight this and win.
It has been months of weighing, counting, measuring etc to ensure that enough food is consumed to gain the weight that her body so desperately requires to function effectively and for the brain to feel nourished. Now, those who are in the ‘know” will know that weighing, measuring etc is all part of the eating disorder (ED) and you would be right; but we have reframed this to be part of the solution (for the time being). The one thing that I know and have recently had reinforced through my training with The National Centre for Eating Disorders (NCFED)is that we have to feed the brain and body food before we can embark on any psychological intervention. So with this in mind I decided that what had been part of the problem (the need to control every thing that was consumed) could now be part of the solution. And so far it has!
I am incredibly passionate in my work as a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist and feel humbled and inspired in equal measures by the clients with whom I work. Coaching and supporting those who are suffering from eating disorders, disordered eating and poor relationships with food and their bodies is my passion. I studied with NCFED to gain my Master Practitioner award to help to support my offering. I have learned so much but most importantly have realised that my way of working as a Solution Focused practitioner really is the best way to work if we are to be able to formulate positive change.
But, this offering comes more from my position as a Mum to someone who is suffering. Whilst my knowledge of eating disorders is ever increasing from a professional perspective it can sometimes be a hindrance when I am needing to be Mum.
This is so hard. I have so much knowledge (what’s the saying?; the more that you know the more that you realise that you don’t know) and am able to help others to make significant improvements with their poor relationships with food but I am unable to “fix” things for my daughter. I so want to wave the magic wand and fix everything… but I can’t!
Time…. the realisation is that healing takes time. A very long time. And whilst the rest of the world carries on turning, continuing to expect us to function and fit in, the battle behind the scenes is real and hard.
Every week the food is planned, every day is planned, every hour is planned and if something happens that messes up the plan the world falls apart for a while. Now, I know why this is, but it doesn’t matter that I know this, all that matters is that every time the plan goes “tits up” the ramifications will require managing. There are exceptions, there always are, and it is these moments of exception that I hold onto. There is not a melt down every time the plans fall apart, there are times when we are able to be spontaneous and I remind myself of these moments. We are also now able to eat out in restaurants, we even have takeaway pizza last night which was sooo good. So things are getting better. Much better. But it is still exhausting and limiting. I often look forward to work as it is an escape.
Being a Mum is tough. At the time that I wrote the last blog I didi not know what I now do. How could I? I haven’t lived this day before. I did not know the deeper seated behaviours of the ED, I had thought that once we restored weight everything would be ok again. I think it’s safe to say that the weight regain is just the first step. But we’ve made it and I am grateful for that. We now face the long, and often slow, process of restoring a cognitive control that will allow F to cope in the world that she is so keen to explore. Our brains are complex at the best of times but the controlling behaviour of a brain that is in crisis is powerful and often hard to override. But I know that it can be done. I see it every day in my work so I know that it is be possible (not always but often) and my recent learnings have confirmed this further. I am so grateful for the reflective work that I have personally gained through my training and the deeper understanding of the world of EDs and the support networks that are available.
I am grateful that things are slowly improving. One of the hardest things that I have learned is that I can not do this for F. I am not her and she is formulating her own solutions to this. How will I ever know what I would do if I were in her position? What I do know is that EDs are powerful, there are so many reasons why one person would find themselves suffering whether they be restricting, binging, purging etc but one of the things that we do know is that if we can build a confidence and self esteem there is every chance that we will be able to overcome. Not be rid completely, because it is often a case of learning to exert control over the ED so that the brain no longer hinders your enjoyment of life. We need to continue to build confidence in an ability to cope better and restore a conscious control of every day function.
If you too are a parent of someone who is struggling I send you my best wishes and am so very sorry that you are having to endure the battle. Watching your child struggle(in my case starve herself) is extraordinarily hard to endure. But I wish you strength and ask that you take time to consider yourself and make sure that you are ok too. What’s that saying:
